My First Suicide

It took all this time but I am finally starting to unwind from all those years working on the front lines.  During my career I had 4 suicides and 4 murders.  My first suicide happened within a year of my first inpatient job.  My last suicide happened the last 9 months of my career.  Both of those were women.  The middle two were men who both killed their wives and one of them also killed his children.  My first two I was just a counselor/therapist.  The last two were when I was the boss.  Both females could have been prevented but the males could not be.  They gave no signals that they were going to pull the trigger.  Even though I was not the therapist working on the last two I was responsible for overseeing their care.  The last one was only 19. 

The first one happened in the UP of Michigan.  It was a 35 year old woman who had two daughters and a husband. I worked with the woman and her family during family therapy.  This was back in the late 70’s and the belief was at that time no psychotropic drugs if a person was an addict.  She had been abusing prescriptions and drinking.  Our medical director refused to let her have her anti-depressants and I knew she needed them.  Her depression was in the way of her being able to think clearly.  I was new at my profession so just went along with the doctor.  I could not have done anything else anyway.

This woman was pretty isolated in the UP.  Husband and kids went to town for school and the husband ran the hardware store in town.  She was a bright, well educated woman who had a degree but with her depression was unable to work for years.  She stayed in residential treatment for six weeks and then was sent home drug free.

A month later she called me.  I remember the conversation like it was yesterday.  She reassured me she was doing well and was grateful for my compassion and understanding her needs, etc.  We talked about the kids, her AA meetings she was attending and then it was time for me to go do my daily group therapy with my patients.  I thanked her for calling and asked her to keep in touch.

The next call came at about 4PM.  Her girls had got off the school bus and found her sitting in her rocking chair with half her head blown off.  Very traumatic for the family and me.  The medical director came into my office and reassured me that we made the right decision about her medication.  I went to the funeral which was against company policy.  The husband wanted to come and see me with the girls so I met with them afterhours so they could start to sort out their feelings.  We finally found a licensed therapist within an hour of their home and I referred them to her. 

The Medical Director was throwed off as you might say now a-days.  He seemed depressed himself and within a few months he quit his job and moved to Canada.  That was where he was from anyway.  I have always remained pretty throwed off  over it.  I hope the kids grew up well.  They would be in their mid 40’s now. 

I am still winding down from it….